


The titles say it all

by FreshMangoJuice



Category: Red Dwarf
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-02-12
Updated: 2014-02-12
Packaged: 2018-01-12 02:43:00
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 3,451
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1180968
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FreshMangoJuice/pseuds/FreshMangoJuice
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Fic in which I slip in *all the Red Dwarf episode titles into the narrative or dialogue. Spot them all? Plot also happens in the shape of a mysterious portaly thing and what the Dwarfers find on the other side...</p><p>*I say all, I mean not all. I've ignored the "Part 2" and "Part 3" aspects of the titles of multiparters like BTE and included each of them only once. Still 56 out of 61 ain't bad.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

“Be careful Rimmer this is the tricky part. Stick to the shadows,” Lister warned. “No, don’t pick that up!”

Rimmer looked down in his confusion at the object in his hands. “But you told me to?”

“Not those _green_ ones Rimmer, only the good ones!” Lister exclaimed exasperated. “I’ve explained this! That one’s live so now you’re going to die _again_.  Ugh _and_ you’re going to run out of time.”

Rimmer threw the game controller down on the table in disgust as the figure he’d been playing exploded spectacularly on screen. “This is without doubt the most mind-meltingly asinine game I’ve ever had the misfortune to endure.”

“Good isn’t it?” Lister grinned. “I was thinking of calling it _Assassins of Armageddon_ ”

“Oh really? I was thinking of calling it _A Smegging Great Waste of Time_.”

“Finally ready for breakfast sirs?” Kryten called as he entered and made for the kitchen area.

Rimmer glanced incredulously at the clock. “You kept me from a meal for two hours Lister!”

“Hey, it’s like my nan always used to say: ‘Timeslides when you’re having fun.’”

“Did your nan make a habit of misquoting well-known phrases then?”

Lister ignored him as he switched off the game and unplugged the cables. “Took me ages to code it all old-school style y’know. Thanks for the memory stick Kryten, it was just what I needed.”

“Not at all Mr Lister, sir. I came across quite a collection of antique hardware in the storage decks. There were even... smartphones!” He shook his head in amusement. “So quaint.”

Above them, unnoticed for a moment, there was a flash of blue light through the air duct.

“Soup, anyone?” Kryten asked cheerily. “I was thinking of whipping up some delicious and nutritious spinach soup with the added zing of lemons and roast peppers.”

He took in Lister’s blank expression.

“Or I could reheat that old Chicken Tikka for you?”

Lister beamed. “It’s like you read my mind!”

At this point there was another, somewhat more insistent, flash of blue light. Once everyone had finished reeling from the dizzying aftershock they exchanged glances.

“I’ll grab that tikka to ride Kryters. We’d better go check that out.”

 

After a short interval finding the Cat, and a much longer one waiting for him to pick out the right shoes, the Dwarfers found themselves examining the phenomenon that had appeared on corridor 88. To Lister it looked like an electromagnetic disturbance, reminiscent of the stasis leak they’d once found on floor 16. To the Cat it looked like a shiny blue thing.

“So what is it?” he asked. “Wait, don’t tell me this time. I know all about that levativity, C = Me2 stuff now. I reckon that is a rip in the space-time continuum.”

“Brain the size of a flea,” Rimmer muttered rolling his eyes. “So what is it Kryten?”

“It’s a rip in the space-time continuum, sir,” Kryten read off the psi-scanner.

“Hey, that’s the thing that I said!” the Cat beamed in triumph. He paused. “What does it mean?”

“It’s a sort of portal, sir. It’s unstable but it will transport whatever passes through it somewhere else entirely. The psi-scanner can’t seem to determine where exactly but it seems to be a planet with normal gravity and a breathable atmosphere - a possible habitat for genetically engineered lifeforms.”

“What are we waiting for?” Lister enthused. “Let’s get portal hopping!”

“You want to go through that thing?” Rimmer exclaimed incredulously. “Lister, tune out of Cloud Cuckoo Land fm and switch on Krytie TV. You heard the mechanoid - we have no idea what’s on the other side! There could be anything: simulants, psirens, GELFs, that demented insurance salesdroid who hates my guts...”

“You should never have insulted his hairdo.”

“That’s beside the point. And we don’t even know where this portal thingy-whatsit came from. What caused it? It could be some sort of trap. Can’t you just go play your silly _Snipers at World’s End_ game and leave well enough alone.”

“Firstly, it’s called _Assassins of Armageddon_ and it’s brilliant. Secondly, you worry too smegging much, Rimmer. You’ve got a severe lack of confidence and paranoia coming out of your ears. It’s like my nan always used to say: ‘Never look a Trojan horse in the mouth’. Or was it: ‘Never lick a gift horse with a mouse’?”

“Not your nan and her casual mutilation of the English language again! Is no idiom safe?”

“Hey, that’s out of line. Leave my nan out of this.”

“Will you two stop arguing about his grandma!” the Cat intervened. “It’s complete nanarchy here!”

Rimmer glared suspiciously at him. “Was that some sort of pun?”

“Where?” the Cat asked, looking behind himself with alarm.

“Look,” Lister said seriously, “this is an opportunity I just can’t miss. Red Dwarf is an old rust bucket and we know it but maybe we could use this portal to get back to Earth, to find Krissie.”

Lister could tell by his face that Rimmer at least knew how much this meant to him.

“Come on man, we’ll be waiting for God knows how long for another chance like this.”

“Fine,” Rimmer sighed. “Ravenous monsters and demons, get your napkins ready.”

“Hey, where’s that chipper Ace Rimmer spirit?”

“Stoke me a clipper,” Rimmer grumbled as he followed the others through the portal. “We'd better not end up as breakfast.” 

 


	2. Chapter 2

The landscape they found themselves in appeared devoid of both demons and angels; it was a dusty, red, empty valley.

“I never get over the feeling of walking on alien soil,” Lister gasped, holding up his vid-communicator to record the scene. “Amazing!”

“What are you talking about?” the Cat scoffed. “Snap back to reality, bud! No hair salons in sight - this really is the back of beyond. Call me when you’ve horrorformed this place.”

“You mean terraform?”

“Terrorform, give it the heebeegeebees, whatever it takes for a guy to get a decent cut and blow-dry.”

“Sirs, we have company!”

And indeed they did. Eyes were cautiously peeping over a rock in front of them – eyes that belonged to a slimy green blob.

“Delightful!” Rimmer declared. “This trip might not have been a complete washout, Listy. A quick bodyswap with that thing and at least you’ll come back better looking.”

Everyone jumped as the blob suddenly slid up onto the rock.

“Err... hey there,” Lister addressed it uncertainly. “You just stay put, don’t mind us. We’ll be on our way.”

The blob made a squelchy sort of noise and slimed its way forwards with what looked like enthusiasm.

“Oh dear Dave,” Rimmer smirked, “it seems to have taken quite a fancy to you.”

“Oh dear Arnold,” Lister quipped back, “it’s not me it’s after.”

Rimmer’s smile slid off his face as he saw the blob was indeed making for him.

“Oh smeg.”

A legion of unpleasant thoughts about what the creature might do to him crowded into his mind, culminating in the fairly strong recommendation that he leggit sharpish. The blob simply gurgled happily and gave chase. Lister watched in amusement as it shape-changed into a brightly coloured bouncing ball, a toy car and a paper airplane all the while keeping up easily with the hologram as he ducked and dived around the others. Finally, the creature jumped up in front of Rimmer in the form of a fluffy duckling. He slipped in shock, landing on his back, and it bounded onto his chest back in blob form and unmistakably purring.

“What the smeg is it? A polymorph?” Rimmer asked breathlessly.

The blob morphed into a tiny version of Arnold Rimmer. “Smeg,” it said in a little high-pitched voice. “Smeg, smeg, smeg!”

“I don’t think so sir,” Kryten said consulting the psi-scanner. “It does share much of the polymorph’s DNA but it bears a greater resemblance in temperament to an Emohawk – Polymorph II if you will. I don’t think it represents a threat.”

“It’s kind of cute really.” Lister observed. “A bit like a pet dog or something?”

Sensing Lister’s thoughts, the little Rimmer morphed into a golden retriever puppy. Rimmer smiled a little in spite of himself. He sat up and petted the puppy tentatively.

“I’ve always liked dogs.”

The Cat bared his teeth in disgust. “Some people have no taste. You’ll be naming it next.”

“Not a half bad idea,” Lister retorted. “You’ve never quite got the hang of names have you Cat?”

“Bet I can think of one good enough for that mangy fluffball.”

While the others fussed over the puppy, the Cat tried to recall some of those mysterious name things that the monkeys seemed so obsessed with.

“What about Cassandra? Or maybe Epideme. Hey, I got it: Queeg!”

“Why not ‘The Inquisitor’ while you’re at it,” Rimmer snorted. “Are you deliberately going through a list of creatures who’ve tried to kill us or drive us round the bend?”

“Sirs, if I could be so bold as to make a suggestion. It would mean a great deal to me if we could name the creature after the most captivating individual I’ve ever encountered – Camille.”

“Queeg it is then.” Rimmer turned his attention back to the dog. “Aren’t you a good boy? I was only kidding. What about Scamper for a name? You like that don’t you? Play dead Scamper!”

Scamper merely barked and carried on wagging his tail as normal.

“That’s the spirit m’laddio!”

“Wanna play fetch?” Lister asked.

Scamper panted enthusiastically. There were no sticks to hand so Lister lobbed the sturdy vid-communicator. Scamper dashed after it, shape-shifting into a rabbit and a small bicycle in his excitement, before returning back as a puppy again.

“Good boy!”

Lister patted Scamper then threw the vid-com again. This time, however, Scamper caught it in mid-air and, in horrifying slow-motion, fell through the crackling blue portal which promptly closed up behind him. The four Dwarfers were left staring in silence at the complete lack of a way back to Red Dwarf.


	3. Chapter 3

“Oops,” said Lister.

“Oops?” Rimmer turned on him, smiling dangerously. “That’s all you have to say: ‘oops’? Some might think it doesn’t  _quite_  do the situation justice.”

Kryten scanned the area. “Fancy that, the portal appears to have completely disappeared!”

“Oh for Pete’s sake! Are you telling me we’re marooned on this godforsaken hellhole of a planet? This is beyond a joke.”

“Could’ve been worse,” Lister remarked sullenly. “We could have ended up on Rimmerworld.”

“Wait, sirs!” Kryten interrupted before the argument could heat up any further. “I think I can establish a link from the psi-scanner to Mr Lister’s video communication device.”

The others crowded round. “Yes, video link established!”

 

Footage from the vid-com, apparently lying on its side in corridor 88 on Red Dwarf, appeared on the psi-scanner. Even from this limited view it was clear that something was seriously wrong with the electrics on board: the lights were flickering ominously and sparks were flying from the ceiling. They could just make out something green cowering in the shadows, entangled in stray wires.

“Scamper!” Rimmer exclaimed.

Scamper perked up and morphed into the little Rimmer. “Smeg?” he called hopefully.

“Hey, he’s alright! And he can hear us.” Lister yelled.

Scamper morphed into the puppy and came to investigate the vid-com.

“Don’t worry boy, I’ll get you out of there.” Rimmer turned to Kryten. “Kryten, get him out of there.”

“To do anything, sir, we need to get that portal back online. I observed a faint blue haze where it used to be, it may be recoverable even now. We need to get someone in the drive room. Scamper would seem to be our only hope.” Kryten lifted the psi-scanner again. “If I might have your attention unidentified chameleonic life form, I would be much obliged if you would pick up this video communications device. Err... there’s a good small male.”

Scamper didn’t move.

“Not like that you dunderhead.” Lister grinned. “You do it Rimmer, he likes you.”

“What me? How could I...”

But at the very sound of Rimmer’s voice Scamper barked and began wagging his tail.

“Oh um. Hi boy!” Rimmer began.

Scamper barked.

“Good boy! You can hear my voice can’t you?” From the little box? Can you pick it up for me? Pick it up the little box Scamper. Go on.”

While the Dwarfers held their breath, Scamper bent down and picked up the vid-com in his mouth. They were now treated to a view down the long corridor that led straight down to the drive room.

“Good boy! Now, Space Corps directives stipulate that your first stop should be the quarantine bays so take the second right, go down thirty seven floors and then take the third left and fourth right. Off you pop.”

“Rimmer! The drive room!”

“No need to shout.”

 

Scamper didn’t seem to like the narrow dark corridors but, guided by Rimmer’s encouragement, he made his way into the drive room revealing a scene of devastation.

“Oh jeez,” Lister groaned. “Looks like the whole system’s in meltdown. Can you see what’s wrong Kryters?”

                [“Good dog! Well done Scamper laddie. There’s a treat in this for you!”]

“It seems the balance of power amplifiers is completely out, sir. In fact that’s probably what caused the portal to appear in the first place and the problem has just been getting worse since then. I can’t see what’s caused it – seems to be something by the main control panel.”

                [“Forwards a bit Scamper. Who’s a clever boy?”]

“Ah yes there appears to be something plugged in. Could someone have sabotaged our controls?”

                [“You’re a cwever cwever boy. Oh yeth you are! Cwever liddle Scamper.”]

“I can see it now – it’s some sort of long thin device. Wait it can’t be... hair straighteners?”

“So that’s where they’d got to!” the Cat exclaimed. Then he caught sight of everyone’s glares. “What?”

Krtyen considered the situation.

“There’ll be a lot of emergency repairs to do when we get back on board. But first we have to engineer a power surge down corridor 88 causing the portal to temporarily reappear.”

“Will that work?”

“Almost certainly, sir. Well, it’s more likely than not. That is to say it’s definitely a possibility - as long as the ship doesn’t explode.”

“Yeah I think we get the picture.”

“Some might, in fact, consider it distinctly unlikely. Perhaps even having an immeasurably small likelihood. About as likely as, say...”

“Kryten, shut up!”

They viewed the readouts on the main screen.

“Rimmer, you’d better be able to get Scamper to use the controls.” Lister mused. “He’ll have to select all the emergency settings and blue override commands on the screen, but avoid the green diversionary switches, before the default shut down kicks in.”

“He can do it.” Rimmer said confidently. “You know it looks quite like that game of yours - that  _Gunmen of the Apocalypse_  thing.”

“For the last time, it’s  _Assassins of_  oh never mind.”

“Catchy title,” Rimmer muttered under his breath. “Okay Scamper, here we go!”


	4. Chapter 4

Looking back on the whole thing later, Lister had to admit it was one of the most spectacular gaming performances he’d ever witnessed. Sure the graphics could have been better, it could have done with a few more killer zombies and watching Rimmer giving instructions via video link to a creature excitedly morphing between a puppy, a plate of jelly and a tiny version of the hologram himself had a certain unique weirdness to it. But on the other hand Rimmer’s technique was superb: his warm and patient encouragement paid off dividends. Scamper too was a force to be reckoned with; Lister was dying to challenge him to a round of extreme death ninja pong. And of course Lister was a sucker for a happy ending so when the last computer command was given and the portal flickered back into life - without the ship blowing up - he marked it down as a job well done.

 

“Thank the Maker that worked!”

Kryten followed the others back through the portal to Red Dwarf just before it closed once again.

He chuckled softly. “I didn’t let on back there but I wasn’t actually sure that our plan had a high chance of success, you know.”

“You don’t say,” the Cat growled.

“At least there wasn’t any messy time travel.” He continued brightly. “After all, Mr Lister sir, things can get a little complicated: the whole Ouroboros-your-girlfriend-is-your-mother thing is a case in point. Amirite?”

Lister glowered at him and Krtyen’s face suddenly fell.

“I am so sorry sir! I don’t know what came over me! That portal must have played havoc with my tact chip. I really must...”

“Can it Kryters! Let’s go find Scamper and sort out that mess in the drive room.”

 

Kryten and Lister had their work cut out getting the ship back in order. Lister planned to make the most of this latest malfunction and see if he couldn’t recreate the portal in a more controlled way - maybe rig it up so they could dimension jump into a parallel Universe to enliven a dreary Thursday afternoon. The Cat, of course, had raced off as soon as he could for an emergency catch-up nap. And as for Rimmer, well, Scamper didn’t like all the electrics much so Rimmer spent most of his time playing with the little morphling in his bunkroom and trying not to think about what he knew he was coming.

 

Nevertheless, in hardly any time at all Rimmer found himself standing back in the red, dusty valley with Scamper joyfully bounding around the familiar rocks.

“You really need the wide open spaces don’t you boy?”

Sensing his mood, Scamper came over to nuzzle at his legs.

“I can’t keep you cooped up on Red Dwarf no matter how much I like having you around. Can I now?”

Scamper’s ears were lying flat against his head sorrowfully. He looked up at Rimmer and whined softly.

“Don’t give me that you little scamp! You know full well that life out here will be much better than life on board that tin can of ours.”

Rimmer knelt down to give him an affectionate scratch him behind the ears.

“I seen a lot in this crazy old Universe you know: chicken soup dispensing machines and a holoship of pure light, space-corps obsessed fathers and suns that explode brighter than whole galaxies.”

Rimmer cleared his throat to deliver his impressive parting words of wisdom.

“So remember this m’laddio: what you do in the future echoes in the never-ending yesterday of um... tomorrow.”

That hadn’t come out quite as profound as he’d hoped.

“What I mean to say is: what you don’t do in the past never echoes at the end of last Wednesday...”

He trailed off into silence.

“Who am I kidding? Just find yourselves some friends and everything will probably fine.”

He considered for a moment. “And for the love of all things holy, never insult a salesdroid’s hair!”

Scamper watched as the hologram stepped backwards through the portal.

“Goodbye Scamper, laddie.”

The portal closed up for the last time: the tendrils of energy condensed down into a point and then exploded spectacularly outwards, searing a white hole into the side of the valley. Several seconds later when everything had settled, Scamper peered out from behind cover back in green blob form. Eyes belonging to blobs of various sizes and colours were also peering out of the newly made hole in the side of the valley. The flare from the closing of the portal had done what Scamper hadn’t been able to do despite his best efforts; it had blasted through the dense fallen rocks, freeing the morphlings who had become trapped by a landslide before the Dwarfers and their portal had arrived. One by one the morphlings burst their way happily back into the open air: changing into bouncing balls, rainbow-coloured slinkies and chirruping birds as they went. Scamper yipped excitedly as he bounded over, overjoyed to be reunited with them and bursting to tell them of his new friend who had rescued them.

 

Back on Red Dwarf, Lister came out from under the desk where he’d been fiddling with the wiring.

“It worked then,” he said, noting the Scamper-less Rimmer.

“Well obviously,” Rimmer snapped, “seeing as miraculously the ship’s intact and I’ve not been blasted into billions of photons.”

“Yeah I’ll miss him too, man.”

Rimmer sniffed then pulled himself together, taking refuge in bickering with his bunkmate as ever.

“At least this fiasco is over. Mark my words - this is the last day you ever get me going on one of your hairbrained adventures. Finito. The End.”

Lister grinned “Rimmer, mate. When we get this portal under our control, we can go literally anywhere. Man, this is just the beginning!”


End file.
